Jane Simmonds

My eyes are fine now. I’ve had both done. Miracle. No, don’t take off your clothes. Lay down. Don’t blink. Just like that. Done. They put a big black light over my head. Over. I can see perfectly. Jane Simmonds is nearly blind because she went to someone who does everything. You have to go to someone who does nothing but cataracts all week. I told her. She didn’t listen. She went to somebody who does everything. You have to look at each and every office and that’s how I found mine. I asked and asked. I met a woman in his waiting room and I told her, do you know how many offices I’ve been to before this one? Twelve. She said, do you know how many offices I’ve been to? Seventeen.

Jane didn’t listen and she’s nearly blind. She IS blind. They blinded her because she didn’t listen.

Then she got the wrong sized artificial knee. Same thing. She went to the hospital downtown instead of the one I told her to go to. They put in a size too big. Hell on earth. Gave her a six instead of a five.

She was so upset that she signed up for a retreat. I told her DO NOT sign up for a retreat, they’ll brainwash you. She signed up anyway and not only did they brain wash her but tried to empty her bank account. They had her chanting mmmm mmmm mmmm then turned around and wanted her to sign. As sweet as can be then turned on her. Nightmare. Tried to take her for everything she was worth. Three months before she came back from childhood. They forced her to do parent child dialogues, you see; had her pretending she was eight. She didn’t come back. Horrible. Here she was seventy-five, thinking that she was eight. They had her trapped in childhood and that’s exactly where they wanted her, childhood, because they could get her money that way.

For weeks this went on. Weeks. She wore her hair in locks like Shirley Temple and it was so embarrassing to be with her but who else was going to help? No one else: Me.

Dear God in heaven. I’d take her to the bank and she would stand there in line shaking her locks from side to side then try to skip but she couldn’t because they had put in a number six knee instead of a number five. She would begin to fall and I would have to hold her up. Me. Eighty. Then she’d go outside, put a finger in her mouth and stand there in the street looking at some doll in a window, not paying attention to the cars. One day she stepped right out in front of a bus. Driver threw his hands up just like this.

After she got better, I told her about the dentist who did my teeth. Jane’s teeth were bonded. I had the same thing after my teeth were bonded; developed a sizzling s. I would call her up and say,

You need to re-contour the back side of your crowns, Jane.

Didn’t listen. She was narcissistic, you see, so she wouldn’t admit to having a sizzling s. Her psychiatrist made her that way. He was arrested right in the middle of Park Avenue. Jane had been walking to her appointment and there he was, standing smack in the middle of 71st and Park with an erection. She didn’t know what to do, just stood there. When he saw her, he came at her with his erection. The police showed up and had to shock him. She had already paid him thousands and thousands. Ruined her. She became a narcissist after that and had the biggest sizzling s I’ve ever heard but still can’t admit it.

What did you shay?

Jane, you have a lisp, I tell her.

Lishp? She can’t say lisp because of all her bonding. What did you shay I had?

Bonding, Jane. And a lisp.


You can call her up. She’ll talk to you if you don’t believe me.

What do you want me to shay?

You say it wrong, Jane. It’s not show, it’s so.

I didn’t shay that. Sho what elsh is new?

Jane will never admit to having a sizzling s. Uh huh, never. Doesn’t listen, but we’ve been the best of friends for years and years.